Attack of the Rabid Fangirls
by Victorious-Mind
Summary: What happens when Ed's admirers want a piece of him? Crack-fic.


A/N: Uh...what the title says… xD Mwahahahaha

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Attack of the Rabid Fangirls

It was a sunny day when it happened. Ed and Al were walking side by side, with a drink in Edward's hand. They were taking a break from their search and now they had decided to take a walk to get some fresh air.

Until a girl had yelled: "It's Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, Hero of the People!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bunch of guys and girls had come out of their houses and began running towards Ed, their eyes filled with lust.

"I WANT HIS RED COAT!" yelled a girl.

"I WANT HIS JACKET!" came out a young boy from his house.

"I WANT HIS BELT!"

"I WANT HIS HOUSE ADDRESS!"

"Al…what's happening?" Edward asked, staring at the people who were running his way.

"I'm not sure brother but I think they're your fans…" he said.

Edward began to walk backwards. "Which means..?" he asked.

"They want you."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, AL?!" Ed started panicking.

"Well, you know that singer from Xerxes?"

"Yeah…"

"I heard that the last time he was on stage, his fans kidnapped him, stripped him to his pants, someone took his shirt, and they forced him to do a bunch of stuff. I heard from the military officers that it took them a few days to locate him. And when they found him, the guy was so traumatized he went to a psychologist for a week."

"THAT'S CRAZY! WEREN'T THEY ARRESTED?!" Edward asked as he began running.

"No, because they did it out of their love…" Al answered passionately.

Edward looked back. "Damn it, Al, do something! I'm getting out of here!"

"Sorry, brother. You're on your own…"

Edward cursed and began running, his admirers close behind. He hid behind a tree but a girl saw him and grabbed at his coat. Ed ripped free before anyone else could grab him and continued running down the road.

The girl held a bit of the ripped coat in her hands. "I did it! I GOT A PIECE OF THE HANDSOME AND BRAVE EDWARD ELRIC'S COAT, I'LL KEEP THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" she yelled while the rest of the fans stared at her jealously but didn't stop running.

Ed transmuted the ground, and raised a wall between him and his admirers, hoping that it would stop them for a while. But as soon as he finished transmuting it, the wall broke, and more people came after him. A few townspeople silently watched by the side, finding it amusing.

"If you guys catch him, I'll buy his hair tie for 500 bucks!" a lady on the side said. Hearing that, the lady's son also came out, and began running after Ed.

"Why…why do they want me?!" Edward mumbled to himself. "I'd rather catch murderers then deal with a bunch of lovesick girls! And those guys!" Ed said.

He turned a corner and waited a second to catch his breath. Geez, they never got tired! Al was definitely going to get it when he came back. How dare he abandon him like that? Sure, Ed knew he was loved but he wasn't some piece of art that people should want a piece of! Unless…Unless they wanted him for other stuff as well…

Edward gulped.

"HE'S THERE! GET HIM!"

Ed started sprinting again. As he looked behind him, he could see that his fans were close behind. He suddenly bumped into someone and fell down.

He stared up.

A boy about Ed's age stared at him. "OH MY GOD, EDWARD ELRIC! YOU'RE MY HERO!" The kid knelt down to take Edward's hand but Ed immediately stood up and continued running. It wouldn't be long now. These girls were sneaky. They would have a bunch of tricks up their sleeves. Edward was careful. He was expecting an ambush.

And that's when he saw it. The Eastern Headquarters. His escape route! He ran and ran, and pushed the officers out of his way.

"HE'S GOING INTO THE HEADQUARTERS! DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE!"

Edward's eyes found Colonel Mustang's office and he entered, shutting the door behind him.

Colonel Roy Mustang, Lieutenant Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman and Fuery raised their heads and stared at him.

"Chief?" Havoc asked, confused. "What's wrong?"

Ed was breathing heavily. "HELP ME!" he yelled. "THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"

Since this was the first time they were all seeing Ed scared, the rest of the room also got a bit of nervous.

Edward ran and hid behind Hawkeye.

"What do you mean, Fullmetal?" Mustang asked, wearing gloves. "Terrorists? Murderers?!" he asked, staring at the panic-stricken boy. "Why are you so scared?"

Hawkeye cocked her gun. "Calm down, Ed, we're by your side." She said.

The door suddenly broke down and a bunch of girls and boys barged into the room.

"Civilians aren't allowed in here, please get out." Havoc said. "This is the Eastern Headquarters."

No one listened to him.

A girl pointed towards Hawkeye. "He's right there!"

"GET HIM!"

Lieutenant Hawkeye fired two bullets in the air but it had no effect. The people were like a huge wave drowning her. They covered her from all sides, and pulled Ed and trapped him.

"NO!" Ed yelled. "HELP ME!" he said, trying to pull free of the grips of some _really _strong girls.

Everyone in the room was confused. "Um, what are you boys and girls trying to do?" Mustang asked. "Let go of my subordinate this instant." He ordered.

"SHUT UP!" someone yelled from the crowd. "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FANS!"

"YEAH, AND YOU'RE NOT AS HANDSOME AS HE IS! YOU'RE OLD!" someone else yelled.

Roy Mustang froze and his mouth gaped open. "Old?" he asked.

"These are his fans..?" Havoc's cigarette fell from his mouth. "So much girls… Lucky bastard…"

"PLEASE, DON'T LET THEM, LIEUTENANT HAWKEYE DO SOMETHING! THEY'RE GOING TO-" before Ed could speak any further, someone knocked him out and they started carrying him above their heads.

"SUCCESS! WE GOT HIM!"

"Wait a second!" Hawkeye yelled, trying to stop them. "LET HIM DOWN!"

"NO WAY!" a boy said. "We won't give the Hero of the People to you until we get a piece of him!"

"RIGHT!" agreed everyone and they left so fast that Hawkeye couldn't say any other words.

Everyone stared after the empty door and sunk back in their chairs.

Breda was the first to speak.

"Ed's going to kill us."

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Two days later, Ed came crawling in Mustang's office, his hair falling down his shoulders. His coat and jacket were both gone, leaving him in his tank top. His belt was gone, his pants were ripped in a few places and one of his boots was missing.

He climbed onto the sofa and lay down, trembling. "I want a restraining order." He said. "And Mustang, I told the girls that you were really famous around here. You better start running."

"WHAT?!" Roy yelled, standing up and looking at the window outside to see a huge crowd forming. "WHY?!"

"They wouldn't leave me otherwise." He said. "Plus you let them get me and didn't do anything. This is my revenge." He closed his eyes, and got comfortable on the couch. "Have fun being forced to sign your name on a bunch of papers, getting some of your hair plucked of your head, and stripped of some of your clothes. Oh and they'll tie you up too. Just a reminder. Goodnight."

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A/N: First time writing a crack-fic. What did you think? I hope you enjoyed it! PLEASE REVIEW AND THANKS FOR READING!


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